Surprise! You’re adopted.

All your base are belong to us

Beware the dark mechanical bird

You have already received your fortune.

No fortune for you!

You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.

A cynic is only a frustrated optimist.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.

A woman who seeks to be equal with men lacks ambition.

Do not mistake temptation for opportunity.

You can always find happiness at work on Friday.

He who throws dirt is losing ground.

Why do they still call these things cookies?

He who laughs last is laughing at you

A wise man tips 20% to avoid severe tire damage

Appearances can be deceiving, but you’re not fooling anyone.

Fortune cookie not found.

This message will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

Hope you enjoyed your dinner, Mr. Bond

All of your hard work will never pay off.

Please don’t eat me. I love you.

Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.

Help! I’m being held prisoner inside a Chinese bakery.

Confucious says you suck.

That guy prefers to eat babies

The man in the blue shirt is trying to kill you

I learned in college that you can’t control whether people think something is funny or not–all you can control is the unexpectedness of the stimulus, and it’s their choice whether to be offended or inspired.  So if you get hit by a car, you will either cry or laugh, but there’s no way of predicting which one of those you are.